When Should Parents APOLOGIZE?
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I was LIVID!
It was the third time in two weeks that Solo had fled out the door. Solo is our 8-year-old, 15 lb. Pomeranian. He’s cute and fluffy, but he’s also old and onery and has no off-leash training. Our very spoiled house dog is happy to take command inside of the home, but as soon as he’s outdoors he runs like there’s no tomorrow! (We love him, but he can be a stinker!)
Earlier today, the Little Guy and I were on our way outside when he noticed he’d forgotten to grab a dinosaur. (If you follow us on social media, you know that dinosaurs are life! Ha!) Solo took this as an opportunity to make his great escape. This time he bolted out of the neighborhood, into the main road of the Air Force base chasing a motorcycle. After realizing he couldn’t catch it, he began running back towards the sound of my voice… until he saw a bird… then a moving plastic bag… which led to him darting into the road and a very panicked dog-momma!
Eventually a jogger and a kind neighbor helped me corner him, and y’all, Solo BIT ME! After realizing he was in fight or flight mode, I relaxed my approach and he began to calm. Following this dramatic fiasco, I was fuming! I was so heated I had a mind to just get rid of the darn dog!
Still very emotional and irritated, I came inside to explain to our son that he must close the door behind him. In my frustration, I said one of the most upsetting things I’ve ever spoken to our 4-year-old, “If he runs again we’re donating him!”…. My usually very outspoken son became very quiet, and with tears in his eyes, he ran to embrace his doggy pal. Still upset, I walked away knowing I needed a moment to deep breathe and calm down. Once I was composed, we went back outside to finish playtime.
Before bed, I found the two of them cuddling and overheard the Little Guy whispering, “I love you so much, Solo.” I knew right then that I had hurt his little heart. I asked, “How are you feeling?”, he replied, “Sad.” Although I already knew the response, I asked, “Why?”, he explained, “Because you said you were donating Solo! Why did you say that mommy?!?”
MY HEART SUNK.
I apologized and explained that I was wrong to say that and that sometimes we say unkind things in our anger, but that my words were not ok. I assured him that we were keeping Solo, we grabbed our emotions book, and I listened as he spoke from the heart.
I was wrong. In my anger, I couldn’t see that my carelessness had threatened my son’s first friend: his ‘doggie-brother’. From his perspective, mommy was threatening to donate a member of the family because they didn’t listen… how heartbreaking… how cruel of me!
WHEN TO APOLOGIZE:
So, when should parents apologize?
I don’t have that answer, however I do believe that parents get it wrong sometimes. Shucks, I personally get it wrong often!
There’s absolutely no way to be flawless, I’m ok with that. On the days I get it completely wrong, mommy owes it to her Little Guy to admit her mistakes and show him a healthy example of ownership of actions.
When we apologize, it is because we have hurt someone unintentionally. The offer of an apology says, “I see that I hurt you, and your feelings matter to me. That was not my intention and I am remorseful.”
Apologizing also opens the door of healthy communication. As parents, we set the foundation for teaching our children to effectively communicate and we should serve as their safe place.
THIS WEEK’S CHALLENGE:
This week, I would like to challenge us to have a conversation with our littles about their emotions. It can be difficult to communicate when emotions are heightened, so I recommend we begin in a peaceful environment.
Keep in mind, we are using this as an opportunity to develop or strengthen communication with our children as well as affirm that we are a safe place.
I recommend that we choose a quiet time one-on-one and ask something light hearted to normalize these discussions.
Below are a few examples:
“What was the best part of your day?”
“Tell me something that made you laugh today!”
“What was one new thing you learned?”
Here are some additional resources (along with their links) that my husband and I have found helpful:
-My Moods, My Choices FlipBook
-Breathe Like a Bear: 30 Mindful Moments for Kids To Feel Calm & Focused
-My Body Sends A Signal
APPLICABLE BIBLE VERSES:
Psalms 19:14, Proverbs 18:21, Ephesians 4:32
Mommas, the perfect parent doesn’t exist, but our kids aren’t expecting nor seeking perfection from us. What they expect and need is a place of protection, love, and acceptance.
I am so grateful to have the opportunity to love and parent such a kind and empathetic little boy. His big heart reminds me daily of the gift of God’s grace and mercy. Tomorrow is a new chance at parenting… I just hope it excludes “The Great Adventures of Solo”! Ha!
Thanks so much for joining me this week for a discussion of REAL LIFE, FROM ONE MOM TO ANOTHER.
If you have any additional resources for discussing emotions with littles please drop them in the comments. If anyone has advice for getting an old dog to come when called, I’ll take that too! Have a great week!
Chat Soon,
-Charity
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